All advice from the… Aloysius Mudd
Q: Fuck You
Dear Asshole,
What makes you qualifide to write an advice colum? I’ve read ur shit and it stinks worse than Al Roker fisting Rush Limbaugh on a hot summer’s day. Who do you think you are?
Signed,
Fuck You
A: Aloysius Mudd
Dear Fuck You,
Thanks for the letter! As for my qualifications, my friends have often told me that I always do the exact opposite of what is right, and I got to thinking, “What if societal norms of behavior are all bullshit? What if I’m always right about everything?”
And that was all the justification that I needed. I am here to provide you with the best advice I am capable of. Rest assured, you won’t find advice like this with the “other guys”!
(P.S. You seem to have a healthy obsession with fat people fisting. Go with that.)
Send your questions, stories, or whatever to aloysiusmudd@gmail.com
Q: Boned & Desperate
Dear Aloysius,
I’m in high school and I have a huge chem final tomorrow! I’m totally screwed! How do I get out of it.
Boned And Desperate
A: Aloysius Mudd
Please, call me Al. BAD, here is the totally true real-life thing that I did to help my friend out of a similar jam when I was in high school. I got pretty much perfect grades in high school (ANOTHER reason why I’m qualified to write an advice column 
) so I was merely the orchestrator of this scheme and not the benefactor.
Here’s what you do: Find a couple of those “on-the-edge” type characters that the system generally manages to sift down to prison by his 20th birthday. You must get these individuals (remember, they must be “on the edge”) to provide a distraction. One of them must defecate on the floor (people talked about this for years at my high school) while the other one yells and acts vaguely threatening to the teacher.
You will probably need to pay your accomplices fifty dollars EACH.
While the mayhem ensues, it will be perfectly easy for you find the master copy of the test. If your teacher is anything like mine, it will probably be hidden in the middle drawer next to naked pictures of her live-in boyfriend!
Well, that’s all the time I have this week, my little MuddPies. As always, send your questions, stories, or whatever to aloysiusmudd@gmail.com
