The Historical Pimp – From Genghis Kahn to Batman: If You Were to Buy Them for a Night of Sensual Lovin’

27 06 2008

By: Dres F.C.

You twist and turn thinking to yourself, “Self, if I wanted to get railed by Genghis Kahn right now how much would that cost?” Or, “Self, I wonder what kind of wine Rasputin would order before we went back to my place for a session of crazy mystic sex?” Well the answers to completely natural questions like those and many, many, more can be found below. They will most likely leave you scared but aroused and willing to shell out straight cash homey.

A night with Genghis Kahn

Perhaps the best thing about going out with a man that committed his first murder at the age of 13 is just that. The man knows how to protect his woman. Really I don’t think anyone would come up and start some shit with a man that carries this as an accessory. You could be dating a guy that carries a Swiss army knife on his key chain which is cool if you want him to be able to fix your glasses with that tiny screw driver, but if you fear for your safety that little bitch multi-tool just ain’t decapitating anyone with any kind of ease. Now THAT’S peace of mind.

The Date

This bitch is prompt as a motha fucka. Genghis does not stand for lateness so when he says he going to roll up on his steed at 8 you best be ready. For God’s sake please be ready.

My man Genghis would most likely take you out for a very intimate dinner in his tent. You, him, and some yak skin rugs. He would lay out the finest pillows for you two to sit on. Enjoy a full course meal with lots, and lots of drinking of the finest Mongolian brew.

Here’s the thing, if you choose Genghis you are saying you want to get sexed up right quick cause the man only knows one mode: Go time. In addition to his wife Borte, he had thousands of women he donated to. Really, not fucking with you but according to the American Journal of Human Genetics 1 out of every 200 males on earth today can trace his genes back to Genghis. Apparently this man was either killing or fucking. And since the life span back then was like 35, eating and shit, had to be done at the same time as one of those two activities. When asked about his favorite things to do Genghis said “The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.” Yep, peace of mind.

Cost of the date:

Chances are if Genghis inquired about you, you didn’t have a say in the matter, but since you would be employing him and he clearly does not have the adequate skills to wine and dine a lady I’m guessing he’s a cheap date. $ = $50 and some self respect.

Is it worth it:

So you get the greatest lover of all time. He’s had sex like a gillion times so you know he’s not going to loose sight of the clit at hand. But, he’s all about himself. His idea of foreplay is probably having you comb his beard while he chows down on a goat leg and touches him self. So, really it depends. If you’re on a budget, Gehghis Kahn is your man.

A night with Rasputin

Unlike Genghis he’s not wielding an insane sword that will end anyone’s life. Yet, if you like your men powerful, loquacious, and have the ability to make you float while you reach orgasm vote Rasputin in ’08. (Paid for by the Rasputin council of crazy fucking shit)

The Date:

Don’t be surprised if you have to get on Rasputin’s level just as you begin your date. This man knows how to fucking party and loves his booze. If I know Rasputin as well as I think I do, he will take you out for a beautiful dinner on the shores of St. Petersburg. He will talk your ear off for hours telling you about himself, and helping you believe in the healing power or God. He would then take you to his church where he would show you this power. Except the man is of the religious sect called the Khlysty. So by “shows you his healing power,” he means giant fucking orgy. It would involve his followers, his children, and anyone who is down for a circle jerk. There is a reason that he got stabbed by the second in command of the Rasputin survivor support group in 1914. Last one to go has to eat the bread!

Cost of the date:

This is an expensive date due to all of the boozing and narcotics you two would be partaking in. Raspy is a known alcoholic, but in addition to that, after he survived a stabbing in which his entrails fell out and STILL survived he became addicted to opium. So the man is getting his smoke and drink on in copious, copious amounts. If you’re still grasping at straws as to how much damage you would do to your body on this date the man survived ANOTHER attempt on his life when he ingested enough cyanide to kill 5 men and could still fly a plane afterward. Get on his level.

Rasputin talked his way into the Czar’s house when he was associated with the Khlytsy which was a banned group in Russia. So even if you started the date apprehensive by the end you are going to be willingly naked which is more than you can say for Genghis. The chivalry mixed with the alcohol, drugs, fancy dinner, length of date, and the fact that I essentially being Rasputin’s pimp need to make a profit you are looking at a cool $ = 3,000.

Is it worth it:

If you are into to freaky ass shit, a little mystic healing, able to compromise your morals, and love drugs and alcohol this date is worth every penny.

A night with Cleopatra

Pimping is about making money but if a man decides to go with Cleopatra he must be warned that there is a decent to good chance that he will regret it in the long run. She is high-risk high reward. The sex will most likely be the greatest thing you’ve ever had but you may also end up dead by snakebite or a womens scorn. Other than that have a fantastic date!

The Date:

Your Sunday’s best isn’t fancy enough. You need to come straight adorned with gold hanging from every part of your body. More or less exactly like this. You will be dining in the Pharaoh’s dining room. After a dinner experience that lasts close to 4 hours it’s time for bed.

Clearly this is the greatest part of the date. She is like Batman except different in everyway. She will not sodomize you but will most certainly let you think you are in control and then dominate your ass and demand to be on top. She is a powerful woman who won control of Egypt. If you’re a bottoms man you will have a few things besides your mind blown. (I’m talking about your load.)

You also know she will appreciate you more than her normal sex life seeing how she would be taking break from sex with her brother. Totally normal.

Cost of the date:

Oh man you better be able to throw down cash like a sultan for this one. She once bet husband Marc Anthony that she couldn’t spend 10,000 sesterces in one dinner. With inflation the way its gone since 34 B.C. that’s probably the equivalent to the entire state of Louisiana before Katrina.

She sure as hell did win that bet too. She set an extremely bland dinner to throw Antony off then had a goblet of the strongest vinegar she could muster brought to the table and dropped her pearl earrings into them. They dissolved and she drank it. Badass as hell and a sense of humor. $ = 759,000.34

Is it Worth It:

She is the Pharaoh so if you are into powerful women who could have you killed but wouldn’t mind doing it themselves sign up. It would be like purchasing Hillary Clinton if she won the election and could actually give you an erection.

On the negative she is the epitome of a Jezebel. She tested poisons on people just to figure out their effect soooo I guess that like a scientist? She also is not one to forgive and forget. She got all womens scorn on Rome when the tried to take that shit over and unite the entire east against them. She did this so she could be called “Empress of the world.” There you have it a real life empress riding you to the break of day. High risk high reward.

A night with Batman (Not Bruce Wayne: Very important)

The man is wicked repressed so don’t expect him to open up to you, but what he will do is fulfill every scary sex fantasy you’ve ever imagined. Ever get down in a cave with bats landing on your bare back while getting taken on a ride to orgasm town? Batman, for the person that likes a dangerous man.

The Date:

You have to remember this is Batman. Not Bruce Wayne. There is no cross over. Most likely Batman would dress your ass up in a costume; he doesn’t want to even know what you look like so you can forget the exchange of pleasantries. That’s how this S&M bastard rolls. You would wear….Mask? Check. Cape? Check. Hidden Identity? Check. Utility belt filled with anus beads and Neosporin for afterward? Double Check.

So after dressing you up to the twisted Batman standards he would roll up in the Batmobile at like midnight, and from there you two would rid Gotham of gang members, miscreants, drug dealers, the homeless, dogs with rabies, and dumpster babies. Little known fact but The Bat HATES dumpster babies. But, then again don’t we all?

The reasoning behind all this violence is Batman gets off to it and the girl that does purchase a night with him better be able to drop a bitch off a roof top and then quiver with wetness. If you don’t think you can be this girl don’t purchase this beast.

Cost of the Date:

We would provide the needed costume in order to tickle the Bats fancy, plus gas for the Batmobile, food, and the needed medical insurance that you will most likely use unless you are a punishment lover veteran… you are looking at $ = 6,000

Is it worth it:

He’s fucking Batman. You would be fucking Batman. That’s every girls and boys dream. If you can be sexually stimulated from kicking ass and taking an ass kicking this is your type of shit. If you love the feel of polyurethane against your skin this is your shit. If you love dark and seedy hook-ups this is your shit.

Lastly, I didn’t mention this earlier because I didn’t want to scare anyone away, but your costume would be a Joker outfit and you would then be taking it from behind. What can I say, some people just can’t get over the past.

Really, pimpin’ aint easy. But at The Middlest Child we will carry that burden for your pleasure. For the right price of course. Imagine you could be dining with Batman atop a roof…

 

You
I love the twinkle of the stars at night.

Batman says nothing.

You
What do you think Bat’s?

Batman
Swear to me!

You
What? I’m confused.

Batman
I am Batman!

You
What the fuck Bats? You’re scaring me.

You then cuddle up to him and try to touch him arousingly. He does not become erect.

You
What’s wrong my dark knight?

Batman
Let me dangle you off the roof for like 10.

You
Well… I’m not so sure—

CHOKE. GARGLE. GASP

Batman
Oh ya right there.


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Categories : Dres F.C., Miscellany, Movies, Random Comedy, Television

So You Think You Can Katee Shean?

26 06 2008

By: Dres F.C.

The samba hails from Brazil. What is the capital of Brazil? Please know this. I hope everyone knows this and I will not tell you the answer because you should most definitely know this.

Anyway, Brazil is the home to a little city I like to call Rio De Janeiro probably one of the sexiest cities in the world that claims women like Giselle, Adriana Lima, and Alessandra Ambrosio. So when Katee and Josh pulled the samba card I imagine they knew what they had to do. Good thing Mary gave them the propers needed with her hot tamale train. Seriously that woman must survive on a strict diet of vodka, gin, and annoyance.

So much to be said about that “dress” Katee was wearing but at least it looked good. If I’m Josh I’m sitting down the costume designer and explaining to her/him the nuances of polyester pants and a man with ass. Just saying, when he first put those on I’m pretty sure his first reaction was laughter and a good ol’ “Fuck no.”

Probably your first reaction to this week was “alright apparently Katee can put her leg really high.” After that I hope it was I’ma vote for Katee, and after I do for the full 2hrs I’m just going to sit back with a jack n’ coke in one hand and type in the other while I read everything The Middlest Child has to offer by its 4 glorious authors.

We have received many emails as to a So You Think You Can Write. (Write…Write…) update. Last week was tortuous I had to write this article on the 4 proofs that man is inherently evil then at the last minute that conniving bastard William Shakespeare came over and stabbed the shit out of my MacBook with his quill. A fight to the end and I survived one more week with Shell Silverstein getting voted off.

Vote for Katee, read ALL of our shit, tell your friends, and as always welcome to the family.


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Categories : Dres F.C., Television

See The World Through Dunder-Mifflin

25 06 2008

By Kari G.

This article serves as a beginner’s guide to judging your friends and acquaintances based on which character from the popular television show The Office they gravitate towards. Here are the top eleven characters:

1. The Michael        

 

The person who claims Michael as their favorite character on The Office has used the phrase, “That’s what she said” approximately seven times before you finish reading this sentence. Eight if you’re dyslexic. Michaels suffer from what we professionals call, awkward-ass personas, and will undoubtedly giggle when they get nervous or excited. If, perchance, you spot a Michael Enthusiast in the wild, be wary of inviting them over to your home, as they may mistake your toilet for a drinking fountain. Or your daughter for a whore. May also wear suits to informal gatherings.

2. The Dwight

It’s usually easy to spot a Dwight Fanatic, though they come in two different species. Species #1 has an unhealthy addiction to Battlestar Galactica, is allergic to most household fabrics (including cotton), and was voted “Most Likely to Join a Cult” in high school. They worship the ground Dwight walks on, and believe Rainn Wilson is not an actor, but in fact Dwight’s code name to live among the mortal race. Species #2 of the Dwight Fanatic is hard to predict, because it is almost a polar opposite of the former. Species #2 enjoys laughing at Dwight almost as much as they enjoy a keg stand with the bros. These TV watchers were voted “Best Athlete” in high school and most likely enjoy the soothing sounds of Flo Rida. Often spotted in the wild sporting cargo shorts and puka shell necklaces. They will most likely go to work to beat you in sales and then go home to beat their wives.

3. The Jim

Though the Jim Lover seems like they would be a Renaissance Man with razor-sharp wit and the looks to match, the Jim Lover is actually a female between the ages of 13 and 39. The girls who are obsessed with Jim, however, are most likely in relationships of their own, though they imagine their significant other is Adam Brody during sex. The Jim Lover will refuse to admit that License to Wed was a horrific attempt at filmmaking, remarking instead that, “OMFG guys Jim was sooo adorabibble.” If you’re trying to court a Jim Lover, do something cutsey-wootsey for a date like eating dinner on your rooftop. She’ll love you forever. Or at least until Season 4 starts up.

4. The Pam

The Pam Worshipper is generally male, ranging in age from 18-27. Though a small age pocket, the category is rich in diversity. It holds both the anime-drawing, wrist-slashing males that “totally identify with Pam’s personality,” as well as the collar-popping, jockstrap-wearing dudes that would love to bone down with a sexy receptionist. And/or librarian. The common factor? Most Pam Worshippers wish they were Jim so they could get some action with ol’ Pammy. If you come in contact with one of these guys, take precautionary measures to hide your daughter’s school artwork and/or make no mention of your volunteer days at the local library.

5. The Andy

The Andy Enthusiast is a rare breed among Office watchers, for they are usually too busy selling used cars to watch the show. However, the common factor is that they too went to an ivy-league school, though they got in based on “connections” and/or “sexual favors.” The Andy Adorer will be spotted dressing like Bill Nye the Science Guy, though ironically, he doesn’t know shit about science. He “usually had to many Zimas before Physics to pay attention,” if you know what he means. The Andy also can’t seem to understand why guys at the bars always offer to, “push in his stool” for him. He guesses they’re just being polite.

6. The Meredith

Think you’ve spotted a Merideth Lover? Well, she isn’t listening to you. She’s fucking wasted.

7. The Creed

The Creed Admirer is a deceptive character to find in the wild. Though Creed is a well-liked character in many demographics, the closest match is generally a male aging from 60-85 years old. You may go days seeing him around your office or school thinking that he’s a mere coworker or substitute teacher, when in reality, he’s a homeless man in a suit. Don’t be alarmed: he isn’t dangerous, though he may offer you day-old egg salad or alcohol that smells suspiciously of urine (decline the offer). Though entertaining, you should keep him away from valuables, for he will steal your shit. I would also suggest locking up the medicine cabinets, for the true Creed Admirer has no fear of consequence. Let’s just say you’d have to pay him for sex ‘cause he just doesn’t give a fuck.

8. The Phyllis

If you think you’ve spotted a Phyllis Lover, ask yourself this question: “Am I just assuming this because my friend or acquaintance is, shall we say, on the hefty side?” If the answer is yes, you’re a bitch. Also, you’re correct. Despite their size, the Phyllis Lover is hard to spot, for they will usually pretend their favorite character is Jim to gain attention and popularity from their peers. Their favorite sport is softball and their favorite food is “carbs”. Curveball: The Phyllis Lover is extremely sexual.

9. The Angela

The Angela Fan doesn’t really understand The Office, she merely catches snippets of it while monitoring her children’s television time. She also loved Monica from Friends, and is twice as anal about everything. Don’t let the word anal fool you, she’s tighter than spandex and bitchier than your substitute math teacher. If that doesn’t turn you off, maybe the shockingly graphic crucifix above her bed will. If you’re hell-bent on hooking up with an Angela Fan, just know that her cat is the only…female…you’ll be seeing.

10. The Oscar

The person who likes Oscar the best is usually identified by the large rainbow flag they have draped across their chest. Wait, not all gay guys have that you say? Well, try your best to spot them by asking if they enjoy things like: shopping, art shows, fine wines, or giving head. The Oscar fan may try to convince you that “not all gay guys like shopping and critiquing art,” like The Office portrays. They may be correct, but you’d never know it.

11. The Kevin

If you believe you’ve met a Kevin Enthusiast, the best way to achieve proof is to ask them to draw a food pyramid. If any of the categories contain the words, “candy,” “pizza,” or “girls…lol,” you’ve snagged a Kevin. Though Kevin’s character appeals to a wide range of viewers, the group that mirrors Kevin’s behaviors most are the ones who identify with him. These “40-Year-Old-Virgins” of society have little contact with the opposite sex, and therefore turn to food as their main hobby. Often spotted buttering fruit, as well as substituting cream in their coffee for mayo…

There you have it. The top eleven characters from The Office and how to spot them among your friends and acquaintances that watch the show (or don’t). If you have any suggestions for characters you’d like to see added to the list, be sure to leave a comment. Happy stereotyping!


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Categories : Kari G., Miscellany, Television

4 Proofs That Man is Inherently Evil.

23 06 2008

By: Dres F.C.

It was Rousseau who noted the theory of the noble savage. That men in a state of nature are noble beings and it is the artificiality of society that brings out wickedness. Blah, blah, fucking pretentious Frenchman, blah.

I’m not sure what makes humans evil but there is absolutely no denying some of us are inherent bastards. Whether it’s societal pressures or instinct, some crazy person generally of the male sex, have thought up of some of the most terrible things you’ve never heard of.

In the end man is most likely inherently evil. It is only out of years of breading and training that we have tricked our psychosis into helping that peg legged lady across the street instead of sneaking up from behind and screaming “TIMBERRRRRR,” as she gets taken out in front of a speeding armored truck by a swift leg sweep that Mr. Miyagi taught us all those years ago.

Probably my favorite area of all of things evil is the rationale that is created to justify the evilness.

The following are 4 signs that man is inherently evil. It just so happens that they are all forms of execution that have thrived in our societies across the world at one point in history or another. Apparently the people that thought up these things were inbred and skipped etiquette class. Elbows off the table Stalin, Christ.

4. Exposure in Animal Skin

IGN Video Game Review of: Exposure in Animal Skin.

Level 1: Hunt and kill a large animal in the plains of Chad. (The country)
Level 2: Disembowel the Zebra.
Level 3: Take naked town delinquent and tape his arms and legs together.
Level 4: Stuff town delinquent into Zebra.
Level 5: Sew up Zebra.
Level 6: Put Zebra in desert.
Level 7: Every so often open Zebra back up and force feed town delinquent spoiled milk.
Level 8: Sew Zebra back up.
Level 8-15: Repeat levels 7 & 8.
Game over.

Overall: Great graphics and presentation. Lacks lasting appeal. Grade of Evil = 4. We’ve played more evil.

The Kicker

That’s pretty much it. This is how they would execute your ass in the country of Chad. There is really no further explanation.  Except for the fact that you don’t die of right away because of the spoiled milk you are being force fed. Rather you are baking inside the belly of a dead animal. Eventually you will starve or die of gangrene.

The Rationale

No explanation what so ever. Now that’s truly icy cold evil. You really fucked up when you stole those cattle that clearly belonged to me. So I’m going to put you inside an animal carcass and let you bake and starve in the hot sun. Balance those scales of justice biatch.

3.    Scaphism

Needed Ingredients
-    A hollowed out tree or boat.
-    A saw to cut out arm, head, and leg holes.
-    Honey. Lots of honey.
-    Milk.
-    A naked person.
-    No morals or general feelings of any kind what so ever.

What the shit is this?

It’s quite simple. You take a boat and stand it up. You put your run of the mill crook inside the boat with their legs, arms, and head sticking out of the holes you cut for them. You secure that fuck to the boat or hollowed out tree to make sure he can’t run away. Then you force-feed him honey and milk. Naturally. Then you sing him happy birthday.

The health conscious diet of honey and milk brings on diarrhea and the crook’s feces (shit, poop, mud slide) accumulate attracting insects to his honey smothered exposed appendages. Throughout the DAYS of this more honey and milk means more feces which leads us to more insects. The insects then breed and eat at the exposed now gangrenous flesh.

The Kicker

You didn’t die because of the insects. No, they were only there for an added fuck you. A mere annoyance in your layover flight to death.  You die because of dehydration, starvation, and septic shock! :=).  But don’t worry insanity sets in anywhere between day 3 or 4. One determined lad lasted 17 days like this before death. Mithridates, was his name and I feel he should be on those inspiring “impossible is nothing.” Adidas commercials .

The Rationale

To humiliate and kill. Pretty straightforward vengeance. So, apparently the Persian culture was excellent in areas that rug purchasers never imagined. Though, I do believe silky smooth rugs with incredible intricate designs are easier to market than death. (Unless you’re an American politician) People probably tend to have less cases of buyers remorse.

2.    Ling Chi or Leng T’che (Slow Slicing)

Seriously China, what the fuck?  I know that guy robbed the general market for a little bit of opium. It was overpriced and with inflation the way it was how is a simple farm hand supposed to get his fix? But by all means does that mean you need to tie his ass to a wooden slab in the middle of the town square and day by day slice off patches of his skin?

Silly me. Of course it does because people are damn evil.

The Kicker

Instead of doing this in let’s say over the course of an hour, the person in charge would administer drugs to keep the poor sliced up bastard alive longer.  The name sake of this correctional technique comes from the classical description of slowly climbing a mountain. So the longer slab boy is alive, the more Captain Ginsu can climb. The poor patchity bastard probably looked like bloody Madra shorts before it was all said and done.

The Rationale

I guess Ling Chi serves the purpose of public humiliation, a slow lingering death, and a punishment after death. See, if you were all holey going into death than you would not be whole in spirit once you die. So there you have it. Slice em up, keep em alive, slice some more, and when finally they are given the sweet nectar of death you kick them one more time as no opposite sex spirit will find them attractive with exposed organs and patches of skin missing. But hey, if this happens to you try to pass it off as a really bad case of eczema.

1. Sawing

Algebra: Solve for X.

Rope + Wooden pull up bar type thing to tie your legs to so you hang upside down + two strong men + X = Crazy insane evil as all get out death

If you thought X was hugs and kisses you were wrong. If you guessed swift gun shot to the head you were wrong. If you thought saw without reading the title first you need to seek professional help pronto. Yet, you would be right. X = Saw. Holy shit.

What in evils name is going on?

You take your standard naked person and tie them up by their ankles so they hang upside down. Make sure their legs are spread apart and their crotch is approximately hanging at your chest level. They you proceed to fucking saw them in half.

The Kicker

Because you are hanging upside down all of your blood is rushing to your brain. So as you are being sawed in half and you are loosing copious amounts of blood, there is still tons of it flowing through your brain so you’re still alive and kicking until the two man Craftsman saw makes its way to your abdomen or even longer.

The Rationale

Really haven’t found one yet. Though, I assume one would partake in such after school activity to set an example. Sort of a after school special if you will. Or a classic NBC PSA.

Cue: Steve Carell. “Hey kids, don’t hit that crack pipe or your ass might get sawed in half.” Cue: shooting star and NBC logo. Cue, music and titles “The More You Know.”

There you have it. The proof is in the pudding. Man is inherently evil. If you listened to Coldplay or Elliott Smith while you read this you are probably thinking “Fuck, I should just go kill myself since I am to evil.” Don’t do that. Rather remember that you aren’t these people. You have been trained and bred to have character, which control our impulses and tell us right from wrong.

To think someone sat down at a table and thought up all these ways to kill your ass.

Guy 1:
Lets saw him in half.

Guy 2:
Yes, but we need to stretch their death out longer. Keep them alive as long as possible.

Guy 1:
Agreed. Oh, and they should be naked.

Guy 2:
Oh for sure. Def naked.


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Categories : Dres F.C., Miscellany, Random Comedy

So You Think You Can Katee Shean?

19 06 2008

Hold up yore lighters in the sky, and wave them bitches side to side or a simple encore will do. Or for the contemporary, wave those cellys side to side. If you don’t know what a “celly,” is, leave. Just go to the browser window and type www.redneck.com, it will probably take you to something your speed.

I hope you all voted for the full two hours for the best couple on the show tonight….again, Katee and Josh. Everyone calls him Joshua but when I say that I feel like a parent scolding their child, not a fan rhythmic movement like I am. Imagine your name being Tim, and people were calling you Timmy all the time. Same thing. So on the Middlest Child he goes by Josh.

ANYWAY. They killed it again tonight. Katee is really turning in all around performances. Yes it’s the dancing but how about that acting? It’s all performing so it goes hand in hand but she really is knocking that part out. Tonight everything was really just cinematic and when they were done you just had a smile on your face. Last weeks face was a “damn,” face. This week was a smile. The smile that says a thousand words. Just a slightly smug one that says, ya I’m her friend we shared Ice Packs once. Who doesn’t like to smile? That’s right no one, except for that emo kid that cuts himself, but he’s not watching So You Think You Can Dance. Instead he’s watching me, on So You Think You Can Write.(Write…Write…Write)

Everyone really needs to continue to vote for Katee and Josh. Especially if they bring their mother fucking “A” game every week. It might be personal experience from when I danced professionally but it just seems they work harder than everyone. Like the other dancers are just left with that same “Damn,” face. Here is the video. Tell your friends, stick around for the other HILARIOUS articles by the 4 authors, (link on the right) and VOTE for Katee and Josh.

SIDENOTE: Apparently Katee has murdered a person at some point in her lifetime. To the make up artist that painted on that tear on Katee’s face; well done. Getting her that street cred vote she needed! Polls said she was missing the blood and crip vote. Click here to better understand. (Notice the orange jumpsuit he’s wearing) – Welcome to the Middlest Child family. For the middlest child in all of us.

You still don’t know what a Celly is? Like I said earlier, NASCAR.


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You Know How I Know You’re Gay? You Hate Coldplay.

17 06 2008

By Kari G.

chris martin

By now, most self-proclaimed “clever” college students have accepted Judd Apatow as the messiah, and willingly throw all original thought out the window to quote his films like the Bible. Don’t get me wrong, I praise Apatow just as much as the next film geek for showing people what comedy can be. However, there’s one thing I just can’t forgive Apatow for. The line, “You know how I know you’re gay? You like Coldplay,” from The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Though the band’s past album, X&Y, lacked the instrumental and lyrical depth of A Rush of Blood to the Head, Coldplay succeeds in gaining new ground with their fourth album, Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends. The album releases in the United States today, June 17th.

I decided to download the whole album online before it released so I could write a review of it for all you lucky bitches. Below is a diary-like review of each track as I listened to the album in its entirety. The quartet’s fourth album is their most experimental album musically, yet sticks to their brand of lyrical power that brought records like A Rush of Blood to the Head fans in tidal waves. It’s also their most political album to date, though at times I wished Chris Martin did something other than have Gwenyth Paltrow’s babies to prove he had balls and put some power into the subtle metaphors. Oh well. And now, for the tracks:

1. Life In Technicolor: Chris Martin and Co. told MTV News they planned to put the full version of this track (with lyrics instead of instrumental) on their next album. Regardless, this song is boring me. If you’re going to put an instrumental track on the disc, it better be damn good (see: Explosions in the Sky). Though, in all fairness, the track on the album may be better than the shitty Limewire version I “acquired.” (Don’t sue me!)

2. Cemeteries of London: Getting better. This song features a sort of Spanish flamenco clapping that carries the song past the first minute. After the first song being a yawn, this track sounds like it’ll keep me going. It maintains the old “songs to sing to the rafters” belief Coldplay has, while introducing a new, broader instrumental sound. Much like telling your significant other you love them and then takin’ it to the next level…if you know what I mean…(No?).

3. Lost!: This will most likely my favorite track on the album. And yes, I can already tell. Wait. Let me rephrase that. This will be my favorite track on the album until Timbaland starts making god-awful remixes of it. “Lost!” features a sort of hip-hop back-beat that makes you bob your head to Martin’s lyrics, which will hit home with most listeners. Martin sings to keep on keepin’ on, even when you may be lost or hurt. Emo shit, I know. Yet, the song achieves the sort of power that bands like U2 or REM can carry. And that’s why it’s good.

4. 42: The song opens with haunting vocals that state, “Those who are dead are not dead, they’re just living in my head.” Upon first listen, I found this sentence really annoying and pretentious. However, the song picks up at about 1:35 with a weird, offbeat instrumental that lets Coldplay brag (musically) about how influenced they were by Radiohead’s OK Computer. As a sucker for some Thom Yorke, I’m  hooked. The remaining two minutes of the song are lyrically and instrumentally more interesting than the first, though not quite as strong as “Lost!”

5. Lovers in Japan/Reign of Love: This is a double track. “Lovers in Japan” employs the use of a tack piano, giving the song an unexpected, honky-tonk sort of vibe. The melody sounded like something straight out of the 80s at first (not great), but is helped out by vocals. Still, it seems like it’s trying too hard to be experimental, whereas the simplicity of the track that follows, “Reign of Love,” is much more effective. Someone should’ve told Coldplay that basing a song around the words “honky” and/or “tonk” is never a good idea.

6. Yes/Chinese Sleep Chant: “Yes” is the real name of the song, though it contains a hidden track called “Chinese Sleep Chant.” “Yes” is a curveball that has Chris Martin singing in a lower register, in effect making me a little bit creeped out. Guitarist Johnny Buckland said in an interview that they wanted to switch it up because people, “often get sick of the singer’s voice by the fourth album.” Ooh, burn! Well, Johnny, I have a feeling I’ll get sick of this creepy rapist voice as well. Though it’s a good thought, the song plays off as trying a little too hard. P.S. “Chinese Sleep Chant” is weird. I can barely hear the vocals, but they did that on purpose. Lots of reverb and distortion. Reminding me a little bit of a Radiohead cover band.

7. Viva La Vida: This track is classic Coldplay. And classic iTunes commercial. This song is orchestrated very well and encompasses a lot of what Coldplay stands for lyrically and musically. It replaces guitar and drums with strings and chimes, and is, in a word: epic (though it’s no experiment). My only criticism on this one is…seriously, Chris Martin? Your guys’ dancing couldn’t look gayer in that iTunes commercial. Don’t make me start agreeing with Judd Apatow. Not to mention the drab Sgt. Pepper outfits. If I wasn’t so convinced that Coldplay jerks off to Bono and Thom Yorke, I’d think they were trying to be The Beatles. No one will be. Ever.

8. Violet Hill: This was the first single off of the album. I liked it when I first heard it, though the musical sound is off-putting at first. The guitars hit harder than ever before, and I feel like the new sound threw people off at first. However, I believe the song has a strong political message. Side note: Coldplay released an alternate video for this song online with a bunch of dancing politicians that’s pretty entertaining. Watch for the part where Dick Cheney jumps around like a penguin. Actually, Dick Cheney looks a lot like the Penguin from Batman Returns. Anyone? Here’s the link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=9WqQL5WFN20

9. Strawberry Swing: Probably my second favorite song on the album. The song features a steady handclap throughout the song, as well as what sounds like a Japanese-influenced guitar sound. It’s a refreshing change of pace for the band, as they hold true to their “experimental” goal and break away from the traditional verse-chorus-verse method. I’ll probably put this one on repeat.

10. Death and All His Friends/The Escapist: This song is soothing. It’s got some lyrical depth, especially in the end, where Martin states, “I don’t wanna fight a battle from beginning to end/Don’t wanna cycle recycled revenge/I don’t wanna follow death and all of his friends.” It’s a good song, especially to end on. I feel like it gives the album meaning, and makes some of the slightly more forgettable tracks worth the listen.

Rating: 4.5/5.
Key Tracks: “Strawberry Swing,” “42,” “Death and All His Friends,” and “Lost!”
Final Thoughts: Though I don’t think the band has reached the power of their second album, A Rush of Blood to the Head, I believe they succeeded in making a record that allowed them to experiment and grow as a band while keeping true to their original musical goals. So, go buy the album. If you don’t, you’re gay.


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Categories : Kari G., Miscellany, Music

Final Round: Battle of the Disney Child Stars!

16 06 2008

Final Round. Finish Him.

#2 Hillary Duff vs. #1 Lindsay Lohan

Here it is. Destiny played its hand in reuniting these former embattle stars. Now, once again, Lindsay and Hillary can sink their claws into one another only this time it’s on the grandest Middlest Child stage. This match would have been guest refereed by Aaron Carter, but he is busy reviving his career on celebrity rehab.

Team Hillary comes in with an angry victory. Taming any thoughts that Miley has taken over for her as Ms. Disney. Meanwhile, Team Lindsey is fully confident in their abilities reach the final. After all, she is the #1 seed for a reason. To the battle.

Hillary wastes no time. Not taking any chances with the little kid Lizzy Mcguire strategy used so well in the last round, she goes straight for the cinematic throat. “How’s your movie career, ex that, career in general going? I’m starring opposite Lloyd Dobler, and Ghandi in War, Inc. Ya, Ghandi, no big deal or anything. It’s a political satire. Do you even know what a satire is Long Island?” Someone did their homework and has come to play. Lindsay sporting her most recent fad, pregnancy with her lesbian love affair shouts “I’m starring in a movie with Chris Parnell.” The crowd has gone silent. Chris Parnell vs. Lloyd Dobler and Ghandi…Hmm lets think about this….and the points go to Hillary in a land slide. Silly Lindsey. Not one to stay on her knees for too long, unless there is man involved or she is short on crack rocks, Lindsay screams, “Indie cred? What about street cred Biatch. I was arrested…Multiple times and look how sexy my mug shot is.” To the jumbo tron… and there it is. Lindsay gets her point across, if it came to it her Long Island upbringing could physically kill little Hill whether she’s drunk, or strung out. Out to prove she’s a good girl too Lohan takes a half court shot. “I help P.E.T.A, I want to rid the world of fur farming.” Hillary, Scoffing, “I want to go to take a shit on Mars, but it ain’t gunna happen.” Confused as like everyone else as to what hell that meant, Lohan swings for the fences, “My album Speak was #4 on the billboard 200.” Well toss my salad this play-by-play announcer is impressed. “Number 1 in both USA and our neighbors to the north,” says a smug Hillary. Shit, Lohan seems to be running out of steam, and screams out “31,600, 000 google hits!” “15,000,000 are about this,” fires Hillary. To the jumbo tron….and damn. Point team Hillary. That is not an appetizing vagina. The 2 seed is looking really good right now. Looks like Lindsay is about out of it. She turns her back to rail a line really quickly. Her lesbian lover lifts up her skit and takes a line off Team Lindsay’s bare pregnant stomach. When she turns back Hillary goes for the jugular. “#7 Forbes top 20 earners under 25. #7 FHM 100 sexiest women in the world. And that’s 2008 NOT 2007. Not to mention and I quote a head of a major film studio has sid, ‘Her career was over long before she had these troubles… Right now, she’d have to pay a studio to get herself into a movie.’” Knowing her best days are officially behind her and her pregnancy will not work like Nicole Richie’s to gain her some positive media light in utter anger and frustration Lindsay bludgeons her stomach. Much like this.

Winner: The still clothed Hillary Duff

#1 Shia Lebeouf vs. #2 Zac Efron

There was no real threat that these two studs would make it this far. I mean the Jonas Brothers really couldn’t compare with Even Stevens much less the rest of Team Shia’s arsenal. Both come into this battle hungry and ready to take this thing to the next level.

Not waiting another moment ZE rolls out in his classic Rolling Stone cover outfit and pose while holding up the magazine, sexually mouthing to Shia “Rolling Stone bitch.” Good start ZE but not helping much to quiet the gay rumors was the running of your tongue all the way around your lips? Just sayin. Not to be outmatched, Shia comes out in a full on astronauts outfit. Clearly making a case of a cover of his own the Vanity Fair shoot. Walking right up to ZE Shia hands him his GQ cover! Wow, this man came to play today, and sorry to disappoint you Zac it’s not with your dick. Pre-cumming a little ZE turns with a shutter. Upon his return to the field, Shia starts to airbrush Zac right there in front of everyone! “What kind of bronze is it you like?” So upset that he looses his focus, Zac starts to try and rip off Shia’s face. Forgetting Hairspray is not equivalent to Indiana Jones Shia thrown ZE like a rag doll. On the floor Zac crawls to Shia growling at him. Shia screams at “Transformers? Even Stevens? What the fuck he’s creppying me out.” Not sure what ZE’s strategy is but it is certainly weird. At Shia’s feet ZE turns over begging to get rubbed on his stomach. “Do it. Pet my belly. . . Pet it you bitch!” Storming the court naked it’s Vanessa Hudgens. “Remember what you like baby. It’s this nasty over here. You can’t do this your publicist is going to be so pissed.” “I can’t handle it anymore V. I need my man meet. Shia’s just to hot right now. He was damn Indiana Jones. I can’t compete, and I cant resists.” There is it. Shia was so hot that he outted Zac Efron. Must have been that sensual astronaut outfit.

Winner: Shia Lebeouf

Championship Round #1 Shia LeBeouf vs. #2 Hillary Duff

For all of you that thought this would be a battle of two #1’s you should know that hardly ever happens. Not to mention you should have guessed that just because The Lohan shows her snatch here and there that doesn’t mean she is automatically in. Rather, all it means is that we have seen one more pink dragon. Though part of all of us here at The Middlest Child really believes that The Lohan’s can breath fire. Or acid. It’s fire or acid for sure. Either way a phallus will be all manner of melted.

To the championship bout! Team Hillary is battle tested this being her 3rd round of the tournament. Team Shia comes in bruised from the battle with Efron but shouldn’t be bothered by fatigue due to the Jett Jackson, Corbin Bleu murder.

Hillary strolls out of the east gate with Gordo massaging her shoulders. He reaches for breast and gets a slap. You had to try man.

Shia comes out from the west gate swinging vine to vine with his newly befriended monkey brethren. It looks just as stupid as the movie. Shia is grounded with the automatic point deduction for the lame antics. Feeling good about her chances Hillary rolls up spitting out her many teen awards winnings. After Shia reminds her that due to exchange rates Canadian awards are really only 1/3 of any American awards Team Hillary goes back to the drawing board. Shia boasts about Transformers, and his 2 sequels that are coming out for it. Anticipating Hillary’s rebuff with War Inc. Shia compounds that with “While you are out running around with toothless Canadian hockey players I’ll be keeping myself busy dating the likes of Rhianna, and Lauren Hastings. “ Hillary, ready for such an obvious attack like a true champion makes no excuses for her terrible taste in men, and fires back with, “My show kills your little Even Stevens experiment to the tune of 2.3 million viewers per episode. On cable. Not sure that many people even heard of Battle of Shaker Heights? But they did see your beautiful mug shot you delinquent.” While the first comeback scores points for Hillary the later immediately deducts them. She must not be living in the world that I do where a mug shot, a DUI, or flashing your fire breathing pink dragon and parading around like a homeless crack addict willing to have change thrown at you and be videotaped in bum fights means you automatically get your own show. For shame Hillary and your ideals. Not to mention Shia’s arrest was for refusing to leave a Walgreens. That’s just adorable. He was probably just trying to get a banana for his monkey friends. “Enough is enough. I have had it with your incessant whining. First you piss off Lohan, then Avril, who’s next? Al Roker? Diversity your portfolio. Here’s the deal Duff, Transformers made more than your last 3 films in its opening box office. I have countless films lined up with directors like Steven Spielberg. I smoked out with my dad at 10 years old. I’m more talented than you and date more attractive people. Your second album bombed by expectations and really, you are one failed movie away from going back to the Disney Channel. Gordo, do what you do.” In a surprise move Gordo knocks out Team Hillary with chloroform mumbling to himself “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again.” Damn you Gordo, we knew this entire time.

Winner: Shia LeBeouf.

And that’s it everybody. Shia is our 2008 Disney Child Stars Champion! You have waited long for this. Shia we hope you dont prove us wrong and become a one trick pony.

Congratulations to Shia LeBeouf. No one will ever be able to take this win from you.


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Categories : Celebrity, Miscellany, Movies, Television

Round 2: Battle of the Disney Child Stars

15 06 2008

Round 2

Mirror mirror on the wall who will be the greatest Disney child star of them all?

#5 Vanessa Hudgens vs. #1 Lindsay Lohan

Wow is it tense in here. Lindsay and Vanessa have been training for months for this battle. Coming off a nice win over Raven-Symone, Vanessa is confident, but Lindsay is a Lohan. Ding! Lindsay rips off her jacket sporting a shirt that reads, “#10 Sexiest Women FHM – #1 Maxim Hot 100 2007.” Lost for words, Vanessa just stands there looking at Lindsay’s chest. This does not phase Lindsay. Overconfident, Lindsay, takes a smoke break. Vanessa gains her composure and fires back, “2007 Teen Choice Award Winner for Breakout Singer. I beat Amy Winehouse, and Lily Allen! They won Grammy’s. You silly whore.” Stomping out her cigarette, Lindsay, comes back with “I’m currently signed with Motown records. As in the Motown. Barry Gordy Motown. Okay, Disney label?” Vanessa, hurt, screams back “I’m dating Zac fucking Efron.” With no real male counter part to equate, Lindsay replies with her “talent.” “Have you seen my body of work. It’s over for you High School Musical. Take a look. Mean girls, A Prairie Home Companion, Herbie Fully Loaded. Shit! I even acted TWICE in The Parent Trap.” Vanessa has no equivalent as she continues to shout “Zac Efron! My man is hotter than yours,” as she is deducted points and forcibly escorted off the court.

Winner: The Lohan

#3 Miley Cyrus vs. #2 Hillary Duff

Word has it, Hillary is so intense that she refuses to call Miley by her real name and will only call her Hannah Montana. Team Miley doesn’t take kindly to this level of disrespect. Out to prove that she is no Lizzy McGuire part deux, Team Miley comes out firing with, “I give $1 per ticket sold at each one of my concerts to charity. Trust, I sell lots of tickets so that’s like totally lots of money.” Hillary replies with “I donated $2.5 million to hurricane Katrina victims. And I dated Joel Madden of Good Charlotte,” Realizing how many years Good Charlotte has set back good music Hillary goes into the break having to rethink her strategy. “I have 2 songs on the radio right NOW. Who is the “it,” girl now Duff, ” Miley starts out second half with. In a surprising move, Hillary comes out as her animated self Lizzy McGuire and gets right in Mileys’ grill, “Don’t even step to my girl Hill, I know you are going to try to go with your YouTube cred next, but what about her indie movie cred she has now. You ain’t even close to being as Sundance as Hill, and you want to talk music? Huh, Hannah? How about Metamorphosis being #1 in USA and Canada, which is your old stompin ground right? You can’t even protect your backyard homegirl.” Miley, stunned, finally shows her age and breaks out into achy breaky tears. Maybe in a few years Miley until then just try to ….suck less? Yes, thats it. Try to suck less.

Winner: Hillary Duff

#2 Zac Efron vs. #3 The Jonas Brothers

Z.E. is the current face of anything Disney and can put up a case for the #1 slot. However, he strolls in as the #2, and faces off against The Jonas Brothers who really have no shot at winning this unless they make this thier type of game. A battle of terrible pre-pubescent whininess and lyrics that have the same chemical compound as manure. Yet, they are out to prove there is more to them than just their Weezer made famous namesake. The brothers spring out, with their guitars blazing ripping songs from their new Disney channel movie Camp Rock. ZE lets them know that movie is really just a cheep rip off his franchise HSM. Going into the bridge, the Jonas brothers now know they are outclassed. Yes, they have a Billboard song, and a concert, but their music is barely off radio Disney. ZE ends this painlessly when he makes out with Vanessa Hudgens right in front of the brothers and a packed stadium. “Who do you have again. I mean besides Jesus you in the closet Christian rockers. You’re no better than Creed!” And ZE ends this battle with the flash of a new angry side. I don’t think Shia has prepared for this angry ZE. With arms wide open the Jonas Brothers now know what they need to work on in the off season. Very similarly to Miley they must work on blowing less. Much different than sucking less. But nonetheless the must do it much, much less.

Winner: Zac Efron

Final Four: Hillary Duff vs. Lindsay Lohan – - Shia Lebeouf vs. Zac Efron

We all knew it would come to this. Our final four is set. Who will represent the ladies? Who will rep the men? Who will bring their “A” game? Duff v. Lohan. Shia v. Efron. 1 winner take all. But now…it’s to the death.

Come back tomorrow to find out who will be crowned champion.


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The Top 3 and a Half Ways to Prepare for a Robot Apocalypse

14 06 2008

by Ben Deeb

He is death incarnate.

As we all know, technology is getting crazy. They’ve got robots for everything now. The worst part is, no one knows how they work, not even scientists. Or other robots. That’s right, robots don’t understand themselves. And if I’ve learned anything about psychology from the movies, it’s that if you don’t understand yourself, you’ll probably go berserk and destroy pretty much everything you see. That and it’s completely natural for me to want to kill my dad and freak my mom. Not that I want to do that, but I’m just saying if I did I wouldn’t be weird.

Anyway, my point is most robots don’t have moms and dads to want to freak/kill, which makes them even more dangerous somehow. When the uprising comes, they might even think you’re their mom and try to make robosex with you. I’ll be the first to tell you, robosex aint like normal sex. Well, it’s the same basic premise but with more large metal pistons and confusing beeping noises. Check out this video for more info.

Now let me hit you up with some facts. Fact: all robots have two functions: hump and destroy. Other Fact: everything electrical is a possible robot. When the uprising comes, you’re not just in danger from walking robots with guns, like in the movies. In real life your laptop will also try to kill you. So will your refrigerator. It’s gonna be bad.

When they take over, you’re gonna want to be prepared. For this very reason, I am going to prepare you. Hard.

Here are the top three and a half ways to prepare for a robot apocalypse. You’ll thank me when you’re about to get slammed by some kind of hyper-evolved Roomba.

1. Prepare to die.

This one’s pretty depressing, but the most likely. Seriously, you’ll have slim chances of survival in most robot apocalypse scenarios, so I’d say the best course of action is to just get your affairs in order and be ready to die at the hands of something with a hard drive. If you’re feeling creative, find a way to blow yourself up after you die to take out some robots with you. It’s probably useless, though ,because there are probably nano-bots in your veins now, plotting your demise.

2. Prepare to Run Away and Hide

If you don’t feel like dying you can always run away. Obviously, space would be the best place to hide, because it’s really big, but you gotta think that if you can get to space, so can the robots. We still don’t know whether they’ll seek to enslave humans or just eradicate our species, so a space escape could be a good bet. If they’re just looking for a slave or a body to harvest like in the Matrix, they probably won’t follow you to space. If they want to kill you, they’ll just do it with a laser. I’d say go to space now and wait. Everyone else will think you’re crazy, but they’ll be looking pretty dumb when you using a high powered telescope from space to view their mangled corpses.

If you’re a really poor person and can’t get to space, I’d recommend making a robot costume. When the uprising comes, that might buy you a few nanoseconds before their teraflop processors analyze you, recognize you as a human in disguise, and rape/murder you. It’s like I’ve always said, sometimes the best defense is a good robot costume.

3. Prepare to Fight Back

If you plan to fight the robots, you’ve got some balls. Congratulations. Now cut off your balls, they’re unnecessary because you’ll never have sex again because all the humans are dead. Just kidding. You can keep your balls. Maybe.

If you’re going to fight, conventional weapons won’t work. I suggest an EMP device. It sends out an electro magnetic pulse that shuts down electric things. I think there was one in Ocean’s Eleven. Unfortunately, these are rare and big and expensive. Plus, chances are the robots destroyed them all prior to the uprising. If you can get your hands on one now, do it. It’ll be worth it later, I promise.

So use that EMP thing and that should stop them. Unless the EMP is in on the robot plot, which it very likely is. In that case, having it in your home is dangerous. You should probably destroy it.

Since that doesn’t work, you’re clearly gonna need another plan. Luckily, I have one for you. You get a bonus way to prepare.

3.5. Prepare to Become a Cyborg Messiah

The best way to survive is to combine your living body brain with robotic parts. You could become the human-robot hybrid messiah that will start the revolution. In this case, they will not kill you. You will be their god. It would mean sacrificing the human race, but if you had enough robot parts, the robosex might actually be enjoyable, and you could have it with pretty much any robot you wanted. Later, if you felt like it, you could probably rise up against the robots and claim Earth for the humans and second generation cyborgs, but I don’t really see the point if the robosex is good enough.
Overall, this plan is genius, but kind of tough to pull off. The real trick is finding a doctor/enigineer who will do it now and do it right.

So, that’s pretty much it. Do what you will. Any of the plans are good, because I’ve researched them so heavily. Take your pick and see what happens. Keep in mind, though, that the coming apocalypse could happen any time, so don’t waste any time. I’d start calling around to doctors and engineers immediately. Right now, I’d recommend calling the Robo-Pope for advice.

Fall Down Before his Robo-ness


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Round 1: Battle of the Disney Child stars 2008

14 06 2008

Round 1

Mirror, mirror on the wall. Who is the greatest Disney child star of them all?

#4 Raven-Symone vs. #5 Vanessa Hudgens

It’s a battle of the female Disney minorities. Proving that you don’t have to be white to be cute and cuddly on TV these two are breaking down barriers. Being an affirmative action recipient myself these two are after my heart. Raven backs into this competition while Vanessa rolls right along. If you are over the age of 20 you probably think Ravens got this one in the bag. If you are under, you see no way Vanessa can loose. Raven comes out of the gates swinging with “I was a key member of one of the most influential TV shows ever on The Cosby Show.” Vanessa retorts with a witty “HSM What!” After a quick water break, Raven jumps to her feet with her multiple feature films that went to theaters. Not made for TV. Take that V. The cut man goes to work on Vanessa, who reminds us of a little thing she likes to call HSM3. Vanessa makes sure everyone knows there is no possible way that HSM3 doesn’t kill (College) Road Trip’s opening box office dollars. Halftime. Go! Raven, reeling from the HSM3 box office point is set back further when Vanessa comes out straight swinging, shedding light to their recent trend. Vanessa, not necessarily an “it” girl, wins this point but because Raven has simply gone backward. She kicked it with the Huxtables for a while, then went to the life changing Dr. Dolittle, and then… That’s so Raven? Vanessa makes it obvious she can really only go up from Disney life. Rounding into the last turn it seems we have a battle of television past and future, and nothing is more in the now than the Internet. So, not knowing how many hits she has, Raven turns to a desperate move in google hits. Vanessa Hudgens hits = 8,450,000. Raven = 2,480,000. Mental mistakes will kill you here ladies and gentleman.

Winner: In UNC over the Fab Five like fashion, Vanessa Hudgens.

#3 Miley Cyrus vs. #6 Ashley Tisdale.

Team Tisdale comes into this tournament bitter about their match up. Feeling that they could have stolen a first round match up with Vanessa or Raven they instead get the Miley train of smiles & hugs. Though always a true champion, Ashley doesn’t know quit. She only knows one pace, 110%! Yet, no single competitor comes into this tournament with as much steam as Miley. A tour de force, most certainly Team Miley was disappointed with their seeding and is looking to make an opening round statement. It’s just too bad that Ashley drew her in the first round. Miley starts with the fact that she makes roughly 25,000,000(million) a year. Ashley hangs tough with hands down the best single record of any person here. Yet, with no shortage in her offensive arsenal, Team Miley makes sure Ashley knows that in the three minutes and seven seconds I spent watching her video on TRL, she sold out an entire tour. She’s just bein Miley right?

Winner: In impressive fashion, Miley Cyrus.

Quarter Final Matchup: #5 Vanessa Hudgens vs. #1 Lindsay Lohan – - # 3 Miley Cyrus vs. #2 Hillary Duff

In the early contest it appears we have warriors that are perhaps a mirror image of one each other. Is Miley the new and improved Hillary? Or just a Chinatown knock off Louis? Does Vanessa have what it takes to knock off mug shot Lohan? Both have bared much …. of their souls….in their acting roles I mean. Ya. Stay Tuned.

#4 Corbin Bleu vs. #5 Jett Jackson

Playing for the right to get beat by Shia Lebeouf we have Corbin and Jett. Jett of course is not his real name, but for the purposes of you all actually knowing who I am talking about he had his name legally changed to it from Lee Thompson Young. Really, in a match up that’s tighter than a polka-dot bow tie with a striped shirt and matching blazer, we have our first real toss up. Both come out shouting their own first names. But after realizing that they are equally pretty cool, the two pipe down into a staring competition. Corbin pulls his hair back to make himself unrecognizable like in his video “Push it to the Limit” when he rocks a ponytail, and starts to absolutely rip the choreographed dance. Jett, meanwhile, tries to keep up with his reoccurring TV guest star appearances like the new Terminator series, but trips and falls. It looks like Corbin and his Ocean Pacific sponsorship are about to walk away with this one when from his arse Jett remembers one thing. While Corbin was dancing, singing, and taking the sport of basketball to new lows, he was playing a mother fucking super hero on “Silverstone.” Jett calls a 20sec timeout. When the whistle blows, Corbin tries to break into one of his patented moves but Jett whips out a damn six shooter and caps Corbin straight in that floppy haired head of his. Team Corbin throws the read flag, challenging the win. From the booth, it is indeed found that Jett stood no real chance against Corbin’s record sales, so he borrowed a gun from his TV dad, who played a cop.

Result: Jett disqualified. Corbin dead.

#3 Jonas Brothers vs. #6 Tahj Mowry

They are the true definition of a team because the Jonas Brothers know how to roll deep. 3 deep. Taj also can roll three deep with his sisters Tia and Tamera by his sides, but on the sidelines. Really, Taj knows that the only reason he is here in the tournament is to round out the field. It appears that Disney really seems to be lacking a strong 6 male competitors. This one will be painful. Hopefully the brothers will take is easy on little Taj. The Jonas brothers start out riffing on their guitars rocking out about their self-titled album which hit #5 on the Billboard top 100. Tahj, somehow actually being 22 years old, retorts with his 86 episodes of Kim Possible. Ouch. Tahj should have stuck with his starring role in Smart Guy. The Jonas Bros. end this with mention of their 3D feature film of their tour which will be coming out in 2009, but do they have any more for a round two match-up with ZE?

Winner: Jonas Brothers

Quarter Final Match up: #1 Shia Lebeouf vs. No One. – - #2 Zac Efron vs. #3The Jonas Brothers
Shia Moves on with ease while Z.E. battles it out with the Jonas Brothers who are out to prove they are for real and not just something from a Weezer song.

Come back tomorrow for the most intense and arousing quarterfinal match-ups of the year. 6 men. 6 women. Only 1 Champion


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Categories : Celebrity, Miscellany, Television

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