By Kari G.
Instead of focusing on the obvious (see: Tom Cruise, Britney Spears, Michael Jackson), I decided to highlight some celebrities that seem to have fallen through the cracks in recent news. The following have mastered the art of going downhill:
1. Meg Ryan
If a genie with the voice of Robin Williams came up to me and granted me three wishes, my name would be Aladdin. Also, I’d use one of those wishes to reverse Meg Ryan’s plastic surgery fiasco. What happened to the charming, independent woman that starred in 30 Tom Hanks films between the years 1990 and 1995? Yet, after she kindly introduced the world to the Internet, she disappeared faster than a line of coke on Amy Winehouse’s table. Did anyone see In the Land of Women? Something about either her bone structure or her newly plastic lips made me want to go Oedipus Rex on everyone and stab my eyes out in the middle of the film. But hey, that’s just one opinion.
High Point in Career: You’ve Got Mail.
Low Point in Career: Tie between In the Land of Women and Against the Ropes.
2. Gary Busey
Oh, did I say luster? I meant majority of active brain cells. To his credit, Gary Busey has become more and more wildly entertaining with each year he ages. One of my favorite quotes is not from Gary himself but his son, Jake: “He’s a lot different than I am. He’s always telling stories about monkeys and toads and rockets. I can never understand what he’s talking about.” Amen, Jake. Amen.
High Point: Let’s hope we haven’t seen it yet.
Low Point: Non-existent.
3. Patrick Swayze
Boo! He has cancer! You can’t mention him unless speaking in whisper! But, the Swayzinator has something besides his pancreas to worry about: his face. Now, don’t start writing hate letters yet. I mean the period of time between Dirty Dancing and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights. Before the cancer. Where did that lovable phantom from Ghost disappear to after the film ended? Let’s face it. Patrick Swayze in the nineties was about as hot as Justin Timberlake’s ass in leather pants. Did anyone see the cinematic masterpiece Point Break? Swayze played a rebel surfer/bank robber/sex machine named Bohdi with flowing sandy hair. It’s unclear to me through my complete lack of research whether or not Swayze’s had some work done himself, but let’s hope that Gary Busey invents a time machine to take him and Meg Ryan back to the nineties. Until then, let’s all pray Point Break 2 gets finished. And…also pray for Swayze’s cancer to leech onto its own pancreas and get a taste of its own medicine.
High Point: Point Break.
Low Point: Extremely creepy cameo in Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights.
4. Hilary Duff
Remember the good old days when you could turn on the Disney channel and see Lizzie McGuire teaching the youth of America yet another valuable lesson about growing up? I sure do. Today, we live in a world where you turn on the TV and don’t see the adorably whiney Lizzie, but a dozen of camera whores drinking blended bull testicles to get a shot at sex with singer/nobody Tila Tequila. Also, you’d see a whored-up brunette version of H-Duff with inexplicably large fake teeth. Her gleaming veneers almost distract viewers enough to ignore her performances in films like Cheaper by the Dozen and A Cinderella Story. Whatever happened to Lovable Lizzie? I want her back. And I bet Gordo does too.
High Point: Her relationship with Aaron Carter.
Low Point: Her relationship with Aaron Carter.
5. Kirk Cameron
Holy hell, man. Back in 1985, Kirk Cameron was the hot piece of ace as Mike Seaver on Growing Pains who was made even more attractive due to the rest of the Seavers being ugly as all hell. So, what happened? Well, like many Americans, good old Kirky found God. But he didn’t just find him. He went ape shit for God. After worshipping in the Left Behind book series, Cameron decided the best way to show people what religion means is to highlight the delightful shape of the common banana. Why bananas, Kirk? You’re right. The shape of a banana is perfect to hold in the hand, or the mouth. We can only wonder how the banana feels about gay marriage…
High Point: Mike “Sexy” Seaver.
Low Point: Watch the video below. Please.
My only comment is that you go for the FUCKING gold next time. Though “ace” is acceptable at church. This is the god damn mother fucking internet and you need to bitch ass swear when given the opportunity.
haha whatever dickwad(s). yeah, i said it. ass is overused and i decided to be fucking classy this time around…though it was tempting to add in “double cummer strap on dildo” into a second post.
I watched Point Break over the weekend. I forgot how great that movie really was. Thanks for reminding me to revisit that classic.
Wow, that video reminded me how god intended man to hold phallic objects, both comfortably in his hand, and place them in his mouth as well…
And hopefully god will bless Gary Bucey with a whole bunch of bananas, as he devolves back to a monkey.