The Middlest Child

By: Dres F.C.

Summer is three things: baseball, blockbuster movies, and scantily clad people. All can lead to hours of fun; yet, it is the first two that grab me by my sports fans and don’t let go.

It’s that time again. Barbequed hot dogs, burgers, and brats being drown in a sea of Miller, Budweiser, or Pabst, if you’re ballin’ on a budget. In the dark, cool theater it’s a Coke equally as large as your huge free refill, add your own butter until it’s soggy popcorn.

Hours of statistical research have led me to four teams that seem to be intertwined with summer movie blockbusters. Perhaps we can predict the teams destinies based of their respective films production.

Sex and the City = New York Yankees

Like Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda the Yankees peaked years ago. They have floundered since, but never really left the spotlight; with rumors of them actually doing something of significance. Now they’re back. With the division still close and a new focus on pitching, the Yankees, like Sex and the City are ready to bring back their die-hard audience that’s been looking elsewhere for distraction. Thanks Isaiah and the Giants. Carrie, the leader of the bunch has to be Jeter. Charlotte, the drama queen is A-Rod. Samantha, the promiscuous is Johnny Damon. Miranda, the one no one wants to see naked is Hank Steinbrenner.

The Hulk = The Mets

Talk about a failed effort. Hulk had some cool ideas with the paneling effect used by Ang Lee. Similarly, the Mets had a great 30/30, golden glove year from David Wright. Neither was enough for the franchises to reach the promise land. In their second installments both have decided to change course and sign big names. The Hulk goes back to what it does best, beating stuff into a green oblivion. Ditching lame Eric Bana for Ed Norton Jr seems to be a good move. The Mets are now thinking pitching and traded for Johan Santana. Lastly, both have been met with mixed reviews. You get the feeling that in the end they’re both just going to be decent.

Tropic Thunder = Tampa Bay Rays.

Man do these two have potential. So far both have had some really good things said about them and gotten out of the gate hot. Tropic has a really good trailer and the Rays have the best record in the toughest division in baseball. Two potential all-stars (Kazmir, Shields), a rising rookie (Longoria), and a guy that could realistically play four positions (Upton), these Diamondbacks are equally as talented as the cast of Tropic Thunder. If rumor is correct Tropic even has a cameo guest appearance by Tom Cruise in which he is actually intentionally funny. Sounds like Dioner Navarro with the immediate monster contribution that everyone thought would flame out by now. (.349 Avg. Really?)

The Dark Knight = Boston Red Sox

The juggernauts. Both are past champions. Both bring the star power with Bale, and Ledger to go along with Manny, Papi, Beckett, and Paplebon. The writers are terrific with Theo Epstein proving to be a mad scientist much like Frank Miller. He kept all his young pieces in tact. (He was never going full tilt after Johan. He only wanted to make sure the Yankees didn’t get him, or have to give up the farm to do so.) Then there are the directors. Christopher Nolan has yet to make a bad movie and Terry Francona continues to balance all of his personalities and keep the right mixture of young and old.

Honorable Mention

The Wackness = Los Angeles Angeles: The team that everyone forgets then gets really high on. In the end has a good season but, still comes up short. Like a summer indie movie!

Hellboy 2 = The Cardinals: Return of an old hit the Cardinals have taken some time off but are just a few games out of first in the central. Both are led by the men behind the scenes Tony La Russa , Dave Duncan, and Guillermo del Toro.

Love Guru = Cubs: Return of a star in Austin Powers, I mean Mike Myers, and Derek Lee. Yet, will it be the same old shtick?

Recommendation: Swap the buttered popcorn for a brat and the Coke for a Pabst(Budget!), and if you can find a way to enjoy films, baseball, and scantily clad people all at the same time, you sir or mam are the real summer winner.