The Middlest Child

by A.P. Daniels

My friends and I have often had this conversation. Which classic rock band, if you had the magical power to wield over history, would you eliminate from ever having existed?

(NOTE: This does not include bands that are so obviously shitty such as Genesis, Journey, Foreigner, etc. Try to take a legitimate and infuriatingly bold stance.)

Now, wiping them off the face of the earth would not be without consequence. You must take into account “influence.” Meaning, for example, let’s imagine for a moment that you are a moron who just “doesn’t like The Beatles.” Well, say goodbye to the musical landscape as you know it. Way to go, ass, you’ve just reduced us to God-knows-what kind of hellish musical apocalyptic world.

So, you know, think about it.

The fun thing about this experiment is that when your buddy opens his mouth and gets rid of Bob Dylan, you get to turn to someone you still like and say “He’s always been your friend.” And, let’s say that you even actually agree with a friend that Van Halen was a groundbreaking group, a landmark in the progression of how guitar could be played; but you just want to be antagonistic and say that “Van Halen is an 80’s vacuum in the musical world,” and that “EVH is nothing more than a successful hack in rock n’ roll because he wanted to sound like Paganini but wasn’t talented enough to actually play all the notes so he cheats and taps instead.” Hooray, now you get to argue with your red-faced friend!

Let’s jump right in.

1. The Eagles

Enough is enough. It’s time we all admit how truly weak-ass the Eagles are. Never has one band put out so many toe-tappingly mundane singles (”Peaceful Easy Feeling” “Take it Easy” “Tequila Sunrise” etc.) about doing nothing. “Nah man, I like the Eagles. The Eagles are good.” Good. The Eagles are good. That is the only defense you will hear of them. No one will ever say, “The Eagles are fucking amazing. The best rock band of all time.” But for some reason everyone is so reluctant to admit how average their music is, how little it affects them, and how limited the spectrum of emotions that one can possibly access while listening to them is. Except for incidental rage. Sure they are talented musicians, pretty good singers with decent harmonies, and excellent songwriters. But no one ever accused the Total as being the sum of its Parts. When you really boil it down:

Eagles = [CSNY – intelligence] + [Zeppelin – major balls].

You show me a man who has ever uttered the words “‘Witchy Woman’ really gets my motor going” and I’ll show you a man who has lost the ability to grow an erection.

Any band that puts out a “Greatest Hits” album after only being a band for four years deserves the weighted-rope-to-the-testicles treatment that James Bond got in Casino Royale. With Eagles fans present to see how Don Henley doesn’t even wince.

Influence: As for the “influence factor,” I’ll take my chances that any subsequent band that points to “Desperado” as the song that got them into writing music is one that is better left washed away into oblivion. I’m looking at you, Death Cab for Iron and Wine. So long Eagles.

Verdict: Sack up.

2. KISS

Do me a favor and name more than two KISS songs…If you were able to do this, than you are probably a movie connoisseur like myself and have seen “Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey” all the way through the credits, and have therefore heard KISS’s best song “God Gave Rock ‘n’ Roll to You.” Contrary to popular belief, makeup plus pyrotechnics does not automatically equal good music. Many people justify bands like these by saying, “Aw, c’mon they’re fun.” As soon as you use that word to describe anything you like, you know you’re on the retreat. (Andrew W.K. of course, is the exception to this rule). ‘Fun’ is to music what ‘wacky’ and ‘zany’ are to comedy movies. As if “I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night (and Party Every Day)” wasn’t already the most repetitive song ever recorded they have to bludgeon you in the face one more time with the title of the damn song.

Influence: Some other idiots would have figured out that people like the spectacle of retarded makeup and flames.

Verdict: Stripper shoes on hairy-legged men.

To be Continued…