By Kari G.
In an effort to prepare our dear fans for Oscar season, we at The Middlest Child have been nice enough to compile re-caps of the big contenders for bringing home the gold this year. As a warning to idiots, we’d like to let you know that these summaries obviously contain spoilers, so if you haven’t seen the movie yet and have pockets full of cash, don’t come bitchin’ to us about not being able to stop reading our hilarious articles. Disclaimer ended. Now begins the first in the series: Revolutionary Road, starring Kate and Leo from that one movie with the big boat.
Premise: Frank and Alice Wheeler yell at each other a lot as they struggle with their failing marriage and the boredom of 1950s suburbia.
When they met:
ALICE: Hey, Leo. You’re still as hot as you were ten years ago. Wanna get married?
FRANK: Sure why not. But let me warn you…I’m gonna pretend to hit you and throw things a lot.
ALICE: Great! I’m gonna be a stone cold bitch.
FRANK: Perfect. Wanna have a Titanic reunion with Kathy Bates?
ALICE: Yeah! She can be our realtor!
Flash forward to present day.
ALICE: I HATE KATHY BATES FOR SELLING US THIS STUPID HOUSE!
FRANK: FUCK HER! I HATE MY JOB!
ALICE: I HATE MY LIFE! LET’S MOVE TO PARIS! I BET THEY DON’T HAVE STUPID SHIT LIKE HOUSES AND JOBS AND CHILDREN!
FRANK: YEAH! NOW ALL OUR PROBLEMS ARE SOLVED! LET’S TELL PEOPLE!
ALICE: Hey fake friends. We’re moving to try and forget how bitchy I am.
ACTRESS WHO PLAYS THE TOKEN FRIEND IN EVERY MOVIE: Why??? 1950s America is so great for women!
HER HUSBAND: But Alice…I love you! Let me rail you in the front seat of my car.
ALICE: Okaaaaaay. But just for a second.
FRANK: Wait! That’s not all! I’m gonna let Alice get the job so I can spend my time fucking my secretary some more.
ALICE: I love you maybe.
FRANK: Ditto.
ALICE: Remember in Titanic when you drew my naked body?
FRANK: Do I! Let’s have brief, forced sex for a minute.
Later:
ALICE: I’m pregnant. Can we still go to Paris?
FRANK: No. They don’t have children in Paris, remember?
ALICE: THEN I’M GETTING AN ABORTION!
FRANK: NO!
ALICE: I HATE YOU AGAIN! ALMOST AS MUCH AS I HATE THIS UNBORN FETUS!
RANDOM CLINICALLY INSANE GUY: I’m the only person that makes sense in this movie. Isn’t that soo totally ironic?
ALICE: Yes, clinically insane guy. Maybe I’m crazy too!
FRANK: YEAH! MAYBE YOU FUCKING ARE! I’M GOING TO THROW MORE THINGS AROUND THE ROOM AND SLAM CHAIRS INTO THE WALL TO SHOW MY ANGER!
ALICE: OMG I HATE YOU SO MUCH! NO MORE SEX FOR YOU! I WISH I COULD FUCKING ABORT YOU TOO!
The next morning:
ALICE: Jk. Here’s some eggs.
FRANK: Is this poison?
ALICE: I thought about it…but no. Have a good day at work.
FRANK: You’re swell. Bye bye.
[Alice picks up the phone]
ALICE: Hey, neighbor lady. Tell my kids I love them despite the fact that I’m about to go perform a hasty abortion on myself to avoid having another one.
NEIGHBOR: Sounds swell!
[Kate Winslet looks out a window for a while before she starts bleeding from the vagina.]
At the hospital:
FRANK: SHE DID THIS TO HERSELF!
NEIGHBOR GUY: I LOVE HER MORE THAN YOU DO!
FRANK: BUT I CAN YELL LOUDER THAN YOU!
NURSE: Hey, Leo. Kate died this time. She said to say she would: “Never let go…to the Oscar she should’ve been nominated for.”
[Montage of Leo running really fast.]
KATHY BATES: Hey, ya’ll. I’m still in this movie! Too bad Alice had to ruin that lovely house with her botched abortion blood. Right, husband?
HUSBAND: I’m not listening to you. I hate you.
THE END.
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