The Middlest Child

Based on a short story by F. Scott Fitzgerald, the next nominee for Best Picture is The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which I understand to be a documentary about how to use age makeup. That, or a re-make of the 1996 epic, Jack.

OLD AS FUCK CATE BLANCHETT: Hey, Julia Ormond. Read me this plot device. Oh, sorry. I mean journal.
DAUGHTER: I can barely understand you through that awful dead smoker’s voice but whatever you say. Once upon a time there was a boy named Forrest Gump.
OLD CATE: That doesn’t sound right…
DAUGHTER: Shh…You’re high on meds.

Brad Pitt is born and looks like Mickey Rooney mixed with a Shar Pei mixed with a box of raisins.

BEN BUTTON: Hey, mama? Who’s that girl?
QUEENIE: That’s Cate Blanchett. You were in Babel together, remember?
BEN BUTTON: Hey, Cate! Let’s have lots of weird conversations for an hour while I’m still an old man because this is obviously where the best part of my acting performance will be. I love you btw.
CATE BLANCHETT: I’m gonna love you forever, Benjamin. Unless it’s inconvenient for me.

Later: Brad pitt looks like Nick Nolte did in that mugshot when he was old and crazy and had wild mullet hair.

BEN BUTTON: I love you!
CATE BLANCHETT: You’re an old fart. I hate you (jk sort of!).

Later: Brad Pitt looks exactly like Robert Redford.

CATE BLANCHETT: I love you again. Let’s do it!
BEN BUTTON: No thanks. You’re immature and kind of a bitch right now.

Oh, by the way, a war happens, a lot of people talk, Brad Pitt and Tilda Swinton have a lot of sex, Cate breaks her leg, and other events that make this movie three hours long.

Later: Brad Pitt looks like normal Brad Pitt.

CATE BLANCHETT: Hey, look! We’re the same age!
BEN BUTTON:  Wow. I love you so much all our problems are solved! I bet this relationship won’t have any bad consequences whatsoever.
CATE BLANCHETT: Agreed! Let’s have a kid!

Later: Brad Pitt is getting increasingly hotter. Like Meet Joe Black hot.

BEN BUTTON: I love you, but I’m gonna leave you and ride away on my sexy motorcycle so my daughter doesn’t think you’re a pedophile or something when I’m a foxy teen.
CATE BLANCHETT: Wahhh! I understand.

Later: Brad Pitt is a sexy teen. Thelma & Louise status.

BEN BUTTON: I came back to say hello. I’ll always love you.
CATE BLANCHETT: That’s cute but I’m with this portly average dude now. Let’s have one last night together.
BEN BUTTON: Score!

Later: Brad Pitt isn’t in this movie anymore. It’s just a really old Cate Blanchett taking care of a pissy grade school boy with fake acne.

BOY BEN BUTTON: I HAVE DEMENTIA! LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR BY YELLING A LOT!
CATE BLANCHETT: I’ll take care of him…after all, we’re in love. Am I a pedophile?

Later: He’s a baby now.

CATE BLANCHETT: I wish I could make love to this baby. Is that weird? Oops, you died.

Then you remember that Julia Ormond is in this movie and also that she’s still acting in general, and then there’s some weird talk about a natural disaster coming, and then Cate Blanchett dies. It’s a super happy movie. And only three hours long.

THE END.

Milk and Slumdog Millionaire left to go! Get your Two-Minute Movie recaps read just in time for the Oscars on Sunday!