The Middlest Child

By Kari G.

Last but not least is the biopic that everyone who didn’t vote Yes on Prop 8 is talking about: Milk. Contrary to popular belief, this film is a new Michael Moore documentary about cows. Sean Penn plays Harvey Milk, a gay activist/politician who bones down with James Franco and Diego Luna.

MILK: Hey, James Franco. I like you and your sexy mustache.
JAMES FRANCO: I like you too.
MILK: You know what I like even more than you? Running for political office.
JAMES FRANCO: That’s hot.

Milk loses the race a bunch of times.

KID FROM HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL: I love to dance!
EMILE HIRSCH: I’m super gay and super awesome.
JAMES FRANCO: It’s okay, Harvzies. You’ll get em next year.
MILK: Thanks you big sexy man, you.
EMILE HIRSCH: Yeah, everyone loves you!
JOSH BROLIN: Except for me! Watch out!

Later:

JAMES FRANCO: I know I said I would support you, but I’m out.
MILK: No you’re…okay, now you are. Boo hoo!
DIEGO LUNA: I know I’m a creep, but wanna date me instead?
MILK: I guess so.

Milk wins office.

DIEGO LUNA: Just kidding I need attention too. I’m gonna hang myself.
MILK: WOW! That was unexpected and pretty emo. I shall cry.
JAMES FRANCO: I wish I knew how to quit you.
MILK: Huh?
JAMES FRANCO: Oops! Wrong movie. I mean I knew you could do it. Win office, I mean. Not Diego Luna.
MILK: Too soon.

Later:

JOSH BROLIN: I still hate you, you know. I might kinda like you though. But I’m a harsh Christian man so naturally I have to hate you.
MILK: You’ll come around.
JOSH BROLIN: What’s that supposed to mean?
MILK: Shhh…

Later:

EMILE HIRSCH: I’m still super cool. I have rad glasses.
MILK: I know. You know who’s not cool? Josh Brolin.
EMILE HIRSCH: Psh, no doy!
JOSH BROLIN: What did you say!?
MILK: Nothin…
JOSH BROLIN: I am going to kill you! Literally! And the mayor for supporting you! May you die in slow motion looking out a window as I take you from behind. Wait. That sounded bad…Take you out…Dammit…
JAMES FRANCO: It’s okay. You’ll be remembered forever and then someday the guy that made Good Will Hunting will make a movie about you. People will probably still not allow gay marriage though. Sorry.

THE END.

There you have it, peeps. All 5 of the Best Picture nominees right in time for the awards! So, sit back, relax, and enjoy with 100% accurate knowledge of Slumdog and all the runners-up.